Laugh because I told you to!

Here are a couple videos that everyone should have seen about 3 years ago, but in case you take slow bus to work(I didn't say SHORT, I said SLLLLLOOOOOWWWWWW), here they are for you, and they come courtesy of my hot hot boyfriend pal, Brad Neely.


Rivers. Of. Shit.


Hot track of the summer.



Yeah, I wish my cat could drive stuff around(mainly my lazy ass.

Now, I'm off to get back into my Twin Peaks marathon!

XOXO
Betsy

We young. We Fly. And we gonna stay flashy til the day that we die.

Well, I'm back from my Amazing Race style travels, and let's just say I did NOT win. I have been through seemingly every airport from here to the end of the world and back. I used to like airports, and while I have managed to hold onto most of that love, I gotta say, Dear Philadelphia, your airport benches suck, and make it very difficult for a girl to stretch out when she has to sleep in the airport because she missed her connection to Chicago, because LaGuardia airport is ghetto and never on time for anything. After all we've been through together, I thought it fitting for me to highlight the hilarious places I've been in the past week, and maybe sometime you can share your travel blunders with me, and we can all get a good laugh, even though, at the time, we were crying on the inside, or almost on the outside.

I haven't flown probably since I went to South Carolina and Georgia in 2006, so I was rusty behind the 3oz liquid wheel(duMb!) I also must have looked like a foreigner walking through security because I kept forgetting to do things, and, since WHEN! do they make you do stuff at the airport??? They are literally paying those people to stand there and act like everyone is a terrorist. FU.gov(that site is OFFICIAL!) I made it through security with no problem, with the exception of feeling all dissheveled(oh yeah, I filled 2 bins full of my shit, and also somehow smuggled a lighter in my purse. By the time I got to NYC, Phil's roommate was all, "how'd you get that lighter through?" I'm magic MF!)

I love an adventure, that is a total positive, and since my patience threshhold has more flavor than a stick of Orbit Mist, I don't mind waiting at the gate. While I was waiting at O'Hare, CNN's weird HLN channel is running on a loop, and that, my homie friends, is where I heard Corey Haim was no mo'. First BONER now COREY!!!! WTF? Actually, I take back my WTF. I never saw anything either of those two were in. I'll pause for all impending gasps. The only reason I know who they are is because, contrary to my childhood, I watch a shit ton of televise now. I also read my body weight in tab-roids, and gossip websites, so I can fake it like a pro-ho!

After the 15th time I heard Corey's name on HLN, naturally, I turned to Dlisted, and read the "real" news. Side note: Didn't Corey Haim sing that "I wear my sunglasses at night" song? If so, I can get behind that jam, mostly because I treat that lyric as words to live by. Also, there was a story about a wolverine humping a tree! Of COURSE! What will these cray cray animals think of next? Also, this just confirms that even animals are as bored with their own kind as I am! TREEEEETED! While I was sitting there ignoring the kids that would inevitably be on my flight, I thought, "Why take a hiatus from writing, when I can just write whilst I haul my gear all across the country!" BONER! (r.i.p.) So put some hot tracks on and read all about it.

My first tip to a successful trip is to look awesome. As always, fools will tell you that you need to dress comfortably, but just like the results of your lie detector test on Maury, "THAT IS A LIE!!!" Don't schlep yourself around the airport in your Juicy sweats and that Von Douche cap you still own(L7 loserville!) You should plan your outfit wisely because you never know what you're going to be doing on the other end of your flight. You might have to go right out when you get to where you're going, and you don't want to look like a some schlubby schlub with dirty hair, chipped nail polish, and a bad outfit. No girl. Get a sweet outfit together, get a haircut, get a manicure, and sashay your ass through the airport like you just won the final bid on Ebay for that collectors Star Wars Big Gulp cup.

Tip number two is to stay caffeinated and energized Shit gets longs as hell, and also really boring and you want to be ready to party or do whatever you gotta do when you get to the other side. Nothing is worse than what I looked and felt like when I got into Chicago this past Tuesday. You want to try to look as fresh as possible, so drink some coffee, thrown back a shot of 5 hour energy, drink a Jamba with an energy boost, eat some granola...do whatever you need to keep you running. Traveling always makes me tired, but I have espresso running through my veins instead of blood, so I'm good thanks.

Tip number three is o be extra nice to the airline staff. Their jobs are probably the worst of all time, and they will automatically be on edge and ready to whip out their shiv at a moment's notice, so just be polite. Don't even pretend to sound like you're pissed about whatever is happening to you, or whatever you're doing that is probably an idiot move anyway. Customer service jobs are a bitch, and if you work in one, you will know, that people are dumb assholes, and yes, sometimes people are having bad days, and kids are little assholes too, and the airport is a general hot mess( even more than me on my birthday this week!), but you just gotta get through it, get past them, only talk to them if you have to, say "please" and "thank you" and then get the effffff over to your gate, and commence ignoring everyone. My flight out of Chicago was delayed one hour, and when the guy told me, he kind of paused, I assume because he was preparing himself for a freak out from me, but it was 8:30 in the morning, and I coulda given an eff. He was still kinda rude to me, but, I mean, these people already hate you as soon as they see you walk in the door, so just kill them with kindness, and maybe your luggage will end up in the same place you do.

Other things I noticed while waiting in the airport:
1. I had the same haircut as a couple of 8 year olds running around next to me
2. Everyone was eating the MacDonald's

Clearly another fun time waster in playing the "would you hit it" game. When I was in the Cinncinasty airport, I tried to play it, but I basically came up with a lot of "no way in HEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAALS!" coupled with "What IS that???" Cinncinati's airport was much larger than I expected, and they had smoking lounges which seemed very 70s to me. The smoking lounge was also next to a fast food chili place. Why the effffzo would you want to smoke cigarettes, eat chili, then get on a plane for a few hours, and have to drop a nasty coffee/cigarette/chili deuce in the tiny airplane barfroom? What the hell is wrong with Cinncinati? Also, when my plane rolled up in Chicago, it was tiny, and I was immediately anxious. Small planes feel like roller coasters through turbulence, and I hate roller coasters. Landscapes from 30,000 feet is awesome, and flying above the clouds is cool and it still makes me wish the Care Bears were real. Fun with FUNSHINE BEAR!!! I sure did give that plane the Care Bears side-eye stare because it was tiny, and turbulence scares my shit. When I first got onto that tiny tiny plane, my stewardess(not deragatory!) seemed kind of rude, and also drunk. We all deal with our jobs differently I guess. I smoke cigarettes and ignore people, and my stewardess Jamie does five shots of Cuervo before flying the friendly skies.

I flew over Orlando at night which looked like the voodoo swamp village in The Pirates of the Caribbean movies( I rode that ride!!! Animatronic animals chasing each other!). I guess I forgot that Orlando is a swamp thang, and I was LOLing my face off because my mom just kept talking about how she wanted to see a gator. The weather was mostly shittay, but there were palm trees, and I was on vacation, so no worries homie!

I guess tip number four is don't let a hospital visit drag you down. My mom got a kidney stone the first day I was there, so I spent most of my time watching the guy on the hospital computers cruise Battlestar Gallactica websites, and Rachel Ray make a barf pot pie. I also made some friends in reception who were also from Chicago(79th and Harlem!!!) and I gave every employee the side-eye for moving slower than molasses in January. My side-eye was set to stun all week.

Disney world is a hilarious place. Hilarious mostly because it is the biggest ripoff of your life, and getting information about the greater Orlando area is like trying to hussle for drugs in a back alley. They are basically not allowed to give it up, but, since my dad is a Smooth Operator he persuaded the concierge to print out maps and addresses to some Orlando thrift shops I wanted to try to visit.

On Friday, it was a total monsoon out, so my mom and I got up sort of early, and made our way to downtown Orlando to try to find a little non-Disney shopping. Orlando proper is pretty much just like downtown Milwaukee. It's real small, and cute, but it takes about 5 minutes to drive from one end to the other. I also took a picture of the one homeless person. Hey girl heyyyyy! When I'm away from my big gross city for too long, I start to miss the sound of "Streeeeeeetwisssssseeeeee."

After driving around forever, getting lost, getting really excited about finding a Target, we found the first thrift store which was in the style of Unique or Family Thrift in Chicago. There was so much unicorn bullshit there I wished I had brought an extra suitcase so I could have just shipped back a box of unicorn goodies. I managed to find some sweet joo-ree, and my mom almost got into a girl fight with some old broad over this awesome gold lame leopard print top/dress! It is amazing!!! My moms also contributed more unicorns to our unicorn emporium that is better known to ya'll as where I stays at(that's my apartment for the slow ones). After we got lost finding the first place, we got lost again trying to find the other place, but then, by some random Floridian miracle, we ended up on the street we had been trying to find in the first place, and found this amazing Vintage shop called Deja Vu Vintage The link is basically some reviews and a map, but if you are ever in Orlando, you should go to this shop. Finding this part of Orange Avenue is a little confusing, but once you do, there are janky little record shops, namely Rock and Roll Heaven, and this sassy little restaurant called The White Wolf Cafe. The White Wolf Cafe has a cute arty little vibe, a friendly staff, and as an aesthetic side dish, they display and sell antiques. SUPER NEAT STUFF!!!

I had a great time exploring all over that tiny street, and would recommend that if any of you ever find yourself in and around, or driving through Orlando, skip the "Historical Drive" because it is lame, and about one street long, and none of the shops in said "Drive" are open (WTF '010!), and head straight for North Orange Avenue. If it hadn't been pouring rain like an MF, we probably would have walked around a little more, but since I was down under Tropic Thunder, we couldn't.

My final day in Orlando was not only 75 and perfect, but it was also the day I revisited an old friend. DISNEYWORLD FOOL!!! My mom and I took the bus from our hotel to the Magic Kingdom and spent the day riding the funny old rides, and I giggled at animatronic Lincoln. "FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO...." cue janky robotic hand motions. In all honesty, the Hall of Presidents was dope as hell, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The Pirates ride has been re-vamped a little only due to the success(?) of the movies(I mean, I love them, and even though everyone says the third one is the worst, I like it the best. SECRETS! I have a crush on Davey Jones). It's A Small World is still pretty cute, and that song is still pretty annoying. When Keyboard Cat plays us all out in 2012, it's nice to know that besides roaches and Heidi Mont-hag, the It's a Small World ride will be right there with them.

OH! Also, since it was my barfday this week, I told the folks at Disney that it was my birthday when I was there, so I got this button with my name on it which I proudly wore all the eff over the resort AND the park, and everyone wished me a Happy Barfday from near and far! I H8ed the attention(you know I didn't). My favorite was the guy on the Jungle cruise, herding people into the boats who was all, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETSY!!! SPRING BREAK 2010!!!!!"

By the time I was ready to leave Florida, I wished my vacation there would have lasted a little longer. At least the palm trees part. The Disney part gets old after the seventieth time someone tells you to have a "Magical Evening" or to "Celebrate Everyday!" Celebrate my foot up your ass!

I left Disney at 0 dark o'clock, and got to the airport at 0 darker o'clock. After giving the Orlando security staff the side-eye of their lives, I got to the gate and waited. Got to Hotlanta, and waited. The weather on the East Coast of this country was really treating people in a bad way, so there were all these bums sleeping on the ground and everyone was crabby(who knew that in about 24 hours I would be that crabby bum sleeping on the floor! FUN!).

When we were finally flying over New Jersey(Which is awesome by the by.) we couldn't land, so we flew to Connecticut, sat on the tarmac, and waited to the plane to re-fuel, and for everyone to get all their complaining out of their systems. Luckily for me, I was sitting next to a really hot dude brah, so we chatted about where we were going, I gave him some gum, and it was love at first sight (DANCEDANCEDANCEAMPAMPAMP!). Jersey looks like a better version of Indiana. I know you all just gave me the side-eye, but listen, I love industrial cities, and that industry giveth and taketh away. Jersey is the Shiva the Destroyer. Sorry Indiana. I got in to Jersey, and got the bus to New York. When I was riding into the clusterfuck that is Lincoln Tunnel, I just kept hearing that Alicia Keys song about New York, and it felt a little bit like a movie. This was my first trip to NYC(I know! How dare I!), and it was definitely worth it. I got in, got off the bus, wandered around Grand Central, charged my phone at the ticket counter, ate some delish French Onion Soup at this restaurant across from the station, met up with Phil, saw Times Square, Central Park, Letterman's digs, some Gossip Girl related stuff, drank 40s in the Bronx, went to Chinatown, got a manicure (with designs girl!), walked through Soho, ate a street hot dog(spicy mustard!), walked through Hell's Kitchen, at a $1 slice of pizza, tried to get into the MOMA, got treated, smoked a cigarette in Central Park, took the train to Harlem, took the M60, got to LaGuardia, flight was an hour and a half late, missed my connection in Philly, drank at the airport bar, slept in the airport, looked like a bum, got into Chicago at 11:30 Tuesday, payed my cabbie in coins, passed out. I think maybe I did win the Amazing Race. I'm going back to New York to see the Tim Burton show. and this time I'm going to plan ahead! New York, you're beautiful( and by beautiful, I mean smelly, dirty, and crowded) and I'll see you again soon. Until then, happy travels to all of you, and I'll leave you with my personal dream team:

XOXO
Betsy

P.S. Thanks to errrrrryone who came out for my literal barfday Thursday, or last night, and everyone who wished me a Happy Barfday this week. I'm thankful for you guys '010!


P.P.S. Also, Christine and I are going to make some T-Shirts that say "DANCEDANCEDANCEAMPAMPAMP!" and I'm opening the floor to a hilarious design to put on these t-shirts. You can e-mail me your ideas at elizabeth.dant@gmail.com. Let's make awesome stuff together!

Welcome to God's waiting room.

Hey ya'll. I know I've been neglecting you like that step child I acquired in the marriage, but I promise, I shall return momentarily with more good times and great oldies.

This week I'll be in Disneyworld(aka, getting into hood rat stuff with my friends) but I'll be back Monday, and then plan your time wisely because my barfday is next Thursday. We finna get loose somewhere out in this city!

Until then, congrats to all the Oscar winners I liked, and J Cams can suck it hard! (sorry dad.)

I love ya'll, and I'll most likely be updating my Twatter and FB whilst I am away, so stay tuned to the best show NOT on television!

XOXO
Betsy

I want thee love marriage!

When I wake up in the morning, there are three things I do from the comfort of my bed. 1. Check my phone for messages 2. Check Facebook to see what people who wake up early are doing, and 3. Read Dlisted. I honestly don't know what I was laughing at before I read Michael K's thoughts. I want to seriously believe that when I go to New York, I will stalk his ass down, and we will become BFFs 4EVAH! It's be like that time I was in a cab with Phil, and we were on our way to probably Rainbow Club for my barfday, and as our cab spun around the corner, a girl with the shortest skirt on imaginable was crossing the street and Phil yells out the window, "I CAN SEE YOUR PAD!" Oh how we laughed. Even our cabby laughed.

Anyhoos, this video comes courtesy of Dlisted, and my new BFF Michael K. This guy Wilbur Sargunaraj is a "call center specialist" and musical sensation! I mean, the song is pretty catchy, and his dance moves look like anything I've seen flailing around the Hideout on a saturday night dance party. You can buy his awesome dance CD on his website. His website alone will kill at least an hour of "work" at your cubicle today. I dedicated this post to my sister because when the link you click on to contact Wilbur says "Please make the contact!" ahahahahaha! I FINISH!"




Enjoy this video at work ya'lls! I'll be sitting in my kitchen drinking coffee and listening to Passion Pit in my underwears!

XOXO
Betsy

Hot Dog Down a Hallway!

The other day when I was at work, one of the assistants came up to me with a hot dog in her hand, and was all, "You want this?" I thought for that one second that God might actually exist because I have been craving a Chicago style hot dog 4EVAH! Seriously, for probably the last 3 weeks, and then here one is, right in my MOUFTHS! It was so disgustingly glamourous, I felt like I needed to sacrifice someone's child or something to thank the God of hot dogs.

The best part of that whole story, is that when I was a kid, I H8ed hot dogs. I was too much of a miss priss to eat some hot doggy fake bullshit(which is super funny, because when I was really young, I used to like to eat dog biscuits, and they are basically soylent dog). Also, when I would eat them, I would only eat them with ketchup( my bad you guys). When I think about the damn kids today, I think, "Holy shit, these kids are picky little brats who make you customize their shit all the damn time! You eat what I give you!" Then, I take a step back, and I remember that whoopsie! I used to be one of those damn kids, always pissing and moaning about the food my mom made for dinner that I didn't like(sorry mom!). For example, gross processed assholes and elbows, better known as hot dogs.

Thanks be to JC that I grew out of that phase. I ate my first Chicago style hot dog only a few years ago( I also called mustard and hot peppers a bitch when I was a kid), and it has changed my life. I could probably eat 1-10 a day for the rest of my life, and never get tired of them, and that's why today's post is about the greatest food item ever invented: The muthfucking HOT DOG!!! The three places I've chosen for today's class are all awesome in their own special special way. They are also all pretty drastically different, and, well, you might just learn a little bit about yourself in the process. I know I did. LOLarrhea!!!! Because I'm wearing them, and I just did.


First, and most academically, we have The Vienna Beef Factory. This shit has been squeezing out cased meats since 1972, but the Vienna Beef brand has been fartin' around Chicago since the late 19th Century. The factory is right on Damen Avenue, just a little north of Fullerton, and just a squirt away from Costco( Oprah's been there, but I haven't. Yet one more reason why I am less than Oprah). It's a FACT! You can go to the factory and buy cased meats that were just delivered from the assembly line, and the best part is that you're eating actual beef( with just a hint of colon)! OMGKITRIPXYZ!!! That makes me want to eat them, in the words of Lionel Ritchie, "all night lonnnnggg. All night!" Some other random info about the Vienna Beef factory, is that there is this dude there named Mark Reitman, whose official title(according to cray crays at the Vienna Boeuf website) is GD PROFESSOR OF HOT DOGS!!!! What the hell was I doing for those six years of undergrad? I could have been a goddamn professor of hot dogs! My jealousy knows no bounds. Vienna Beef is a Chicago classic, and everyone should take some time out of their busy busy (aka boring) schedules, and visit the factory. Bring the kids! Fun for the whole family!!! Here's a post from a blog called "Pure Tastes", wherein, Matt and Rebecca (the two pals who write the blog) visit the Vienna Beef Factory, and then fondle their wieners with their moufths(Grossout '010, Rebecca likes BBQ sauce on her hot dogs. Get. Away.)


In other news, I got to second base with Hot Doug's. Actually, zero base because it hasn't had the pleasure yet. Last winter, Christine(better known to you all as my wifey pal) had surgery, and I went with her as moral support, and because I am a good wife(Better than that Margulies mess). While Christine's ass(literally) was knocked the fuck out, I watched Anthony Bourdain's drunk ass stumble around Chicago, and he totally went to Hot Doug's!!! He ate the "fois gras and Sauternes duck sausage with truffle aioli, fois gras mousse and fleur de sel." What. The. Fuck.co.uk.edu.jp.gov!!! I have been dreaming about that mess for at least a year, and lord only knows why I haven't stumbled my drunk ass there on some hungover/re-activated drunk morning. Oh wait, I know why. Call me Anna Wintour at the Diesel show, but I hate waking up and going somewhere only to wait in a line forever. Duck fat fries(yep, on the weekends ONLY. BASTARDOS)might make me rise from my snuggle zone. I said MIGHT which basically means "maybe" which basically means "no." Hot Doug's is located in Chicago's Avondale neighborhood, and is a wildly popular joint, so I suggest(for you and for me), that if you decide to go, either go on the weekday, OR, bring games and a six-pack because you will be waiting your ass in line for a nice long while. You will want to kill a bitch for their duck fat fries, so please, bring something to entertain yourself while you wait.

Speaking of waiting in lines, The Wiener's Circle is our last stop today. I went there last year sometime( I think ) with my friend Sherrie, and some random dude we met at a chad bar who followed us everywhere we went that night( later we took him to a gay strip club, and he seemed like he wanted to git up on that stage and shake his shit for the gayz.) Naturally, Sherrie and I were drunk and HONGRAAAY for some bullshit, so we walked ourselves over to The Wiener's Circle to get some food. I was totally nervous because, well, shit gets real in there. By "real," I mean, it's run by two weird old white dudes, but the actual spot is handled by a cast of feisty black women who are not afraid to literally call you a bitch. When I got up to the counter to order, I was ordered very politely(aka very Waspily), paid, tipped them $10, and then moved off to the side to wait for my food. Meanwhile, guy we were with who followed us is all up in my face yelling at me to ask them for a chocolate milkshake. I told him it wasn't on the menu, but he kept yelling at me to ask them for it because they would make it. It wasn't until later, when I was watching This American Life's first season of their TV show on Showtime, that I learned that "chocolate milkshake is code for "lift up your top and shake your tits around." Mortification space station nation. MY dumbfuckery aside, the food here is amazingly greasy delicious and it is cheap as hell. If you go there in the daytime, it's totally like some normal greaaaaaaasy hot dog place, and the ladies are chilled out, but at night, when all the Lincoln Park assholios start stumbling out of their surrounding watering holes(double entendre!), it can get a little fucked up. Again, if you are scared of angry drunk mobs, and forget that you live in a hyper-segregated city, go in the daytime. If you're up fo an adventure, and potentially embarassing experience, well, then, prepare yourself for a lot of yelling, shoving, a sprinkle of racism, and probably some homeless guy shuffling up beside you laughing like he was laughing at what you were just talking about, but then holding his hand out, and mumbling "abahwillbahyoubahbuybahmebahsomebahfriesbah?" Let some tricked out Stacy buy him some shit. His hands are dirty, and you are not responsible for his situation. Someone experiencing Yuppie guilt will undoubtedly come to his rescue.

Thanks again for reading ya'll! Let's eat some hot dogs this weekend UNTIL WE BARF!!!

XOXO!
Betsy

P.S. Someone get me one of these for my birthday(March 18th)


P.P.S. Unrelated in every way! This made me laugh it up chuckles

Dear this week, getthefuckawayfromme.com

This has been the worst week of my life. I am working in a tiny salon run by a very nice, but a little crazay in the brains Asian woman. My co-worker in my cubicle with me is a 45 year old gay who put on the Barbara Streisand greatest hits in the middle of the day today, and when I was all, "Is this showtunes?" He cracked the fuck up and was like, "NO!" Girl you so crazayyyy! I took the salon books home last night to figure out tomorrow's schedule/call clients/book them/stab them with my mind through the phone, and then left it on my kitchen table this morning on my way out the door. A roundtrip cab ride from downtown to Humboldt Park and back downtown again- $22. Crying in the cab and having my cabbie tell me it was ok, and that nobody's perfect-Priceless. Fuck. This. Week. 4EVAH! Why can't I just come home to this? I heart me some Bear Jew.

I'm going to drink some wine and think about fun stuff for us to do this weekend. I am thinking it will involve hot dogs which reminds me, Dear Trashman, when can I give you the awesome food-related thing I made for you? It is SO awesome!

SupercalifragilisticexpialiDOSH!

XOXO
Betsy

Let's get some beers brah!

It's no secret in my circle, that I like to throw down a beer or ten. I didn't start drinking the beers until I was about 19, and at that late in the game, of course I would start with Guiness. I mean, why not? That seems TOTALLY normal. Those who know me well, know that I have a penchant for Mickey's 40s (Christine and I wisely chose to substitute Mickey's for King Cobra when we made our own Sparks) and PBR. Those who might not know me as well, might not realize, that I do enjoy a finely crafted homebrew here and there. Let me apologize right now for crushing your pristine image of me as a young twenty something chugging Natty Lite at a house party.

I genuinely enjoy the taste of a great beer, so today, we're talking about a couple of microbreweries that make their home right here in this fine city of Chicago. While it's great to sit in a bar like the Map Room all night sipping on a delicate Belgian Wheat, we live in a city, a dense, urban city, in the midwest, and it would be naive to think that no one's decided to start brewing their own beer here, and then selling it to the parched masses(because Milwaukee and Michigan have been doing it for a long ass time ya'll).

First up is the Half Acre Beer Company. One of the keys I think to creating a successful upscale beer brand, is producing seasonal brews. There are so many restaurants in Chicago that work with a seasonal menu, and it is most appreciated when they include an accompanying beer list that proves to be a fitting companion. If you hate the taste of food(side eye Rachel Zoe), then it doesn't matter if your beer brings out the flavor of what you're shoveling into your mouth hole. However, if I'm going to throw down for a nice dinner, or lunch(I like to day drink sometimes), it's nice to have the complete package. Now, I know what I like when it comes to eating and drinking pairings, but I always ask just in case I get too drunk before I start, and as a result, pick something totally wrong and gross. I consulted with my sister who bartends at Uncommon Grounds on Devon Avenue, and asked her to recommend one entree and one beer from each company and then explain to me why they go together. After I read her response, I just felt really hungry for that pork chop and fried brussel sprouts I ate a couple weeks ago. Man, I love a porkchop(PORKCHOP SANGWICHES!!!).

The Half Acre Beer Uncommon Grounds has on tap right now is called "Baume Chocolate Rye Stout". It's RICH BITCH! so she recommends it as a "before or after beer" and suggests you pair it with their Double Chocolate Cake topped with blueberry jam and toasted almonds(WTF! That is just rude!). According to Al, "with the nuttiness and coffee flavors of the beer on top of the fruit/nut/chocolate combo, you're gonna be in a continuous foodgasm." I recommend you eat that choco choco cake first, and then dip into the pork chop, pairing that with Half Acre's "Daisy Cutter" Ale. "Pork and pale ales are A+." "Baume" is also only on tour around the city for a limited time, so I suggest you quit dickin' around, and go try it! Ain't no lie, bye bye bye.

What makes the Half Acre Beer Co. even more awesome besides crafting a tasty beverage, is that they offer tastings and beer tours right in their brewery! How amazing is that?!!! Now we don't have to get on the damn Amtrak to go to Milwaukee to get our three free Miller Lights! We can drink beer that isn't nasty swill water! Hooray! Things are lookin' up kids! Tours of the brewery happen every Saturday at 1pm(side note/side-eye, Metromix said the tours are on Friday at 5pm, but a bunch of drunk Chads work there, so they are probably wrong), and they. are. FREEEEEEEEEEE! Go on the tour, taste some beer, get a little tipsy, buy a sixer, drive to the beach, SATURDAY FUNDAY!

Next is Metropolitan Brewing. The script of their labels borrows from the Art Nouveau design of theMetro arches of Paris, which I love, and which ultimately attracts me to the product. FUN FACT! When I'm shopping for wine, I look for the coolest bottle, and that always wins. I mean, there are other rules. Por ejemplo, it can't be Merlot(puke my face off forever). It's like playing Magic The Gathering, but playing "scariest card wins." I'm cool.

Uncommon Grounds has Metropolitan's "Generator Dopplebock"(sounds like something we've all done at Berlin!) on tap right now. I'm sure I've had this, but you know how sometimes people introduce themselves to you, and you immediately forget their names? It's like that. The history behind this beer is that it was "traditionally brewed by monks and drunk during Lent to provide them with nutrition during the fast." They were also only brewing Dopplebocks in the winter, so they'd be perfect by March. Now they are brewed year round because traditions are too old worldy for you damn kids. This particular dopplebock's flavor is described as having an "aroma of caramel malt, a bit of nuttiness, and light floral hops. Creamy, caramel, and nutty flavor. The sweetness is kept in check with the hops and malts." You can basically drink this beer with anything, but the recommendation is that you stay away from steaks which is fine because who eats steaks anymore? I don't need any more hormones than I already have and, cows have precious faces. It's best to stick with the pork chop(you will not squeeze a tear out for steak) or probably fried chicken(Al says "crispy chicken" but that equals "fried" in my mind. Beer and fried chicken is classico) QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!! "Oreos are to potato chips what nutty, malty, caramel, floral hops is to a juicy pork chop, creamy polenta, pancetta, and fried brussel sprouts." Hell to the YES Bobby!

If reading this doesn't make you foam at the mouth for delicious food paired with even more delicious beers, then you are DEAD. Stop trying to eat my brains.

Half Acre and Metropolitan beers can be found all over the city. Each of their websites list each restaurant that serves their beer, and if you buy booze anywhere besides CVS, you can easily find their tasty brews for the buying at most liquor stores in Chicago.

Enjoy your adventures!

XOXO
Betsy