Sunday, September 1, 2013

Late night sad jams

Sunday Morning, September 1, 2013 Currently, it is 5:14AM, and I have been thinking about this for the last few days. I've thought long and hard about how I should write about anything. I just need to write. I'm listening to musicals, and I'm sad. So sad. I'm listening to Barbara Streisand, so you know, I'm serious about my sadness. I want to think, that by this time in my life, I would be over being so sad about meetings and partings, by I'm not. I think about everyone's lives, and I think about how everyone is just living their lives,and I am living my life, and I am not a sad person. We are not sad people. I am so happy for you. I want you to know that most of all. I am so happy for you. I have wanted nothing for any of us, except for us to be happy, and for the most part, we are. We are happy people, and we are living our lives, and we are being happy living those lives. I want you to know, that even though every time we meet, I am so happy, and so sad at the same time. I take every second for granted because I think I am going to go home, and see you tomorrow, or next week, or something. I think that I will see you whenever I want, and I need to remember that I won't see you for probably another few months, which isn't any time at all, but it is SO much time. Time is so fucked up, and if I never had to say goodbye to you ever again, that would make me so happy. If it were a different time for us, maybe it would have been a different emotional situation. It just isn't that, and that is just something I have to learn, and something I have to live with. It's just the way this fucked up place works. I don't have words, and that is something I wish I had. I tried to talk to my cab driver, and I decided that what was going to work best for me tonight, was to just listen to some sad musicals, and cry it out, and deal with it. Just fucking deal with it. Just fucking live my fucking life, and you can live yours, and we're a part of each other's lives indefinitely, and nothing about that will change. Ever. I just think I was so stupid about time, and timing, and that that if we would have known anything about anything, it could have been totally awesome to be with you forever. I know that is fucked up to say, and idiotic, and all manner of inapropriate. I'm sorry. I have to feel my feelings when I feel them, and I want to feel them now. I want to feel destroyed by my emotions over a person who I will unconditionally love forever as my friend because this shit is real. I want to write about everything because I want everyone to know that even though I feel fucked up, and like I'm being fucked up, I can't blame it totally on how much I have had to drink tonight, and how many sad songs I will attempt to listen to over the course of the next few hours. I want everyone to know that I am capable of loving someone this much. I want you to know that I love you this much. I will love you forever and I will love you as intensely and as desperately as a person can love another human being, and that I will love you forever despite what happens in our separate lives. I will love you through everything and anything your future holds, and I hope you will love me through my future loves and losses and triumphs and tragedies. I don't care that we may have fucked up, I don't care that you have another person to love and spend your days loving. I mean, I do care, of course I care. What I mean is, I don't mind that that person is not me. It's ok, and I can handle it. I love every second I get to see you and spend time drinking beer with you talking about basic bullshit, and I will treasure every single moment of our friendship from our humble and fumbling beginnings until a time when we are too fucking old to even remember anything about anyone. I will love you until time ceases to exist, and aliens are punching us all in the face to make up for the fact that Will Smith punched one of them in a movie once. I will love you even when I can't help that I love you, and I will keep loving you even after that.

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