Thursday, February 24, 2011

Reality Newzzz!!!

Listen, shit be going down around the globe. The Middle East is eating itself alive, Africa is eating itself alive, South America is eating itself alive, New Zealand is crawling out from under the rubble of Mt. Doom. I know. We know Madison, WI. We got it Indiana. Congrats Rahm. Yeah, I know, soon, my ovaries will be owned by some white man in an expensive suit sitting up on Capital Hill.

Print may be dead, and I'm not saying DON'T watch the news. By all means do. The news, and all news affiliated networks, blogs, newspapers, etc. are some of the most hilarious and entertaining outlets around. HIGHLARIOUS!!! What's even more hilarious is how mad everyone is getting about all the news coverage! Everyone is pointing fingers and accusing everyone of being liars, and various stones being thrown at respective glass houses and pots and kettles and the color black. Like, OMG Becky! Did you hear what ACoops said about Piers Morgan? OMG like, yeah, it's like that time when Christiane Amanpour showed up at that Haiti benefit wearing the same outfit as Brian WILLIAMS!!! WTF!!!!

This just in. The news is just like reality TV only everyone is old and ugly and no one is drunk, except maybe Chris Matthews. Glenn Beck is HIGH AS SHIT!!! Seriously, have you guys ever watched that show? Homeboy is on the worst trip of his LIFE!

The point is, watch the news because it helps to understand what other people are doing, and to get a general sense of geography and world events, but PLEASE stop believing what ANY of them are saying/doing. ACoops may have gotten beat in the dome by some angry Egyptians, but he scurried back to his hotel, and then back to the U.S., and his posh Vanderbilt heritage.

All those men and women sitting in their virtual offices are in no way connected to the information they are reading off that teleprompter, and if they are, then they need to make that cylon shell a skosh more emotive. Just sayin;. Ya'll are stiffer than my special edition Dorothy Barbie.

Both sides are ignorant fear mongers, and this is no way to get anything done, so, in an effort to drastically change the subject and bring back the allegedly deceased paper media, I.AM.STARTING.A.ZINE. Oh yes. It has been a long time coming, and it will be called.....are you ready...are you suuuuuuurrrrreeeeee? Ok. It will be called, PIZZA FACE AND TOTAL BARF!!!! I know right!!!

Here's what's up. Today I had my first session with a therapist who I decided to continue to see from here on out. As a compliment to that, and also a way to exorcise my demons, I will be writing about rather personal things about myself, and how I came to be where I am today, and why therapy is the right move. Before you come down with a major case of the sads, I promise that besides the seriousness and sometimes sadness teenage angst can bring, it'll be FUNNNNNNEEEEEEEE! And also available at Quimby's. Also, I will prolly toss some in with the free papers.

The way I see it, when the Apocalypse happens, and all electronic media is made obsolete, paper media will rise from all those electrical fires, and even that skeleton dude won't be able to resist my wit and creative use of the Engrish language! Viva PRINT!!!

XOXO ya'll

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

That ain't no sock in my crotch.

Recently it has become apparent that The United States would prefer to believe that Mad Men, and the male-centric world of the early 1960s should be a time worth revisiting. Now, I know in the past I've taken more of a lightly toasted approach to this subject, but, as of recently, the goverment has provoked me to throw open my windows in the middle of this Chicago winter and scream, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!!!" I suggest all of you to do the same.

Sexist attitudes have been creepin' around all forms of media for a very long time. This we know. We also all know, or at least, we should know, even if we weren't around when it happened first, that women's roles in this country were fucked up. I'm a woman living in America in the 21st century, and you would think, that by this time in my life, I wouldn't be seeing sexist ads on television. Haven't we progressed past all of this? Oh we haven't? We've regressed to this and this? Perfect.

The notion that women are still treated as if we have no control over who we are or what we choose to have or not have growing inside of us is ridiculous. As is the idea that women are simply to be thought of as objects or as nagging ugly hags. Oh! Check this encouraging image out. This makes me want to castrate every man on this planet. Even the ones I like! Watch out assholes! You're about to be able to hit all the high notes. To be fair, stereotypes of men are equal in how ridiculous they are. The perfect example of this entire blog could be any episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. That show is by far the worst piece of shit on television because it decides for you, dear viewer, that these are the truths about men and women. Your husband should be a bumbling lazy idiot and you should be the always nagging wife who has a strained relationship with your mother in law. While you're at home taking care of your three kids, cooking all the meals, cleaning, in a constant state of errand running, and walking the dog, your husband is either asleep on the couch "watching" television or out with the boys playing some boring old white person game of golf. These characters are modeled after real people. I. Am. Sure.

When I was working at Public Outreach, one of the twenty-year olds I worked with was going on and on about how he knew so much about Planned Parenthood and women yabba dabba doo doo doo, and I just said, "That's great, but when was the last time you WERE a woman?" I applaud the gentlemen who are willing to get down with the feminist movement, but the sad fact is, you will never understand that these old white fools in Washington want to take away from me my choice in literally everything I can think of.

Check out this bullshit. I just looked up "Planned Parenthood petition" and what came up was about a million sites spewing all manner of propaganda regarding Planned Parenthood's funding. This situation, for me, results in my decision to tell you that I don't care if you are pro-choice or pro-life. I just ask you, as a woman, to understand that either is a choice, and you are lucky right now to be able to decide (for the most part) by yourself. These old white men, who have never had lady parts, (unless I missed that part of the State of the Union) are trying to make sure that you NEVER have a choice. F.A.S.C.I.S.M. That's right. I said it. Because I can.

You know what else I can say, as a free woman, who can make her own choices? I can say to you that right now, thatthat 100% of all commercials on your television right now are sexist towards both women AND men. 100% of commercials pitching cleaning products have a woman in the commercial. Oh you're looking for a commercial selling you some bullshit food product that is 99% preservatives and chemicals you can't pronounce? I bet a woman can help you cook that because boy do we know our way around a kitchen! At the end of the preview for that horrifying Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston movie Just Go With It, the announcer urges you men to "tell your girlfriend it's a romantic comedy." Buhscuse me??? In the beginning of that Taco Bell commercial where the man and woman are in a piano bar, the pianist's intro says something to the effect of "that chick-sized steak." Buhscuse me part 2!!! We are surrounded by a sort of casual sexism and methinks it be time to move forward and not backward. Women gained the right to vote in the 20s. First of all, the 20s were not THAT long ago, second, THE FUCKING VOTE! Now we have to go after it again with these crusty old women-haters to try to get birth control pillsto be included in the GD healthcare reform.

I'm no femi-nazi (OFFENSIVE), but I don't appreciate any of this treatment. Dear Washington assholes, let the gays get married, and include birth control as preventative care on your mythic health care reform. Also, tell the ad men on Madison Ave. that what they're doing is sexual harassment. Finally, if a woman is sexually assaulted, let's not throw shade and cop that attitude that "she asked for it." Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

oops we did it again!

Stop all the damn presses!!! Tonight, I joined a dating site. First of all, by "dating site," NO I do not mean I put an ad up in the craigslist "casual encounters" section. Pervs. I joined an actual site called OkCupid. Everyone seems to be doing this online dating thing. I suppose this is the wrath of the 21st century. Instead of IMing and creepy chat rooms on someone's Angelfire page, we're doing this online thing. Ok, I get it, people meet people on these things, and it all ends up working out. Fine, perfect. All that keeps running through my mind is that time we all joined Hot or Not in like, 2003, and met all the creeps and weirdos on that mess, and, well, the internet, and meeting people have just never sat right with me since.

However, this is a massive trend, and you know trends are like the crack in my mind. This is how people meet people these days, and it's not as scary or as weird as it was in the 90's. People be out there meetin' fools and havin' fun times and shit, so I thought, "hey girl, get out of your apartment and go out with someone who isn't in your immediate circle of friends." So I am. I mean, not yet. I "quickmatched" for myself earlier, and the site came up with some douchey looking bro who "is really into music." Terrifically Specific!

I really want to be proved wrong OkCupid, and I want at least 5 free dinners out of this thing. Also, if I do score some D8s and dinners out of this thing, please believe I will be blogging about it. We can all laugh together, and then Reese Witherspoon can play me in the movie. A romantic comedy about a young writer who is skeptical about love and relationships, so she joins a D8ing site and meets this really terrif guy, and they have a GR8 time, and then she fucks it up, and get the sads for about a montage worth of a Norah Jones song, and then she realizes that she's an idiot, and he's an idiot, and then they live idiotically ever after. Co-starring Ryan Reynolds(as the guy) and RuPaul(as my sassy gay friend). The end.

OMG this is gonna be so funny! I can't wait! Bring it on OkCupid.

See youse guys on the internets!!!