Friday, February 26, 2010

Hot Dog Down a Hallway!

The other day when I was at work, one of the assistants came up to me with a hot dog in her hand, and was all, "You want this?" I thought for that one second that God might actually exist because I have been craving a Chicago style hot dog 4EVAH! Seriously, for probably the last 3 weeks, and then here one is, right in my MOUFTHS! It was so disgustingly glamourous, I felt like I needed to sacrifice someone's child or something to thank the God of hot dogs.

The best part of that whole story, is that when I was a kid, I H8ed hot dogs. I was too much of a miss priss to eat some hot doggy fake bullshit(which is super funny, because when I was really young, I used to like to eat dog biscuits, and they are basically soylent dog). Also, when I would eat them, I would only eat them with ketchup( my bad you guys). When I think about the damn kids today, I think, "Holy shit, these kids are picky little brats who make you customize their shit all the damn time! You eat what I give you!" Then, I take a step back, and I remember that whoopsie! I used to be one of those damn kids, always pissing and moaning about the food my mom made for dinner that I didn't like(sorry mom!). For example, gross processed assholes and elbows, better known as hot dogs.

Thanks be to JC that I grew out of that phase. I ate my first Chicago style hot dog only a few years ago( I also called mustard and hot peppers a bitch when I was a kid), and it has changed my life. I could probably eat 1-10 a day for the rest of my life, and never get tired of them, and that's why today's post is about the greatest food item ever invented: The muthfucking HOT DOG!!! The three places I've chosen for today's class are all awesome in their own special special way. They are also all pretty drastically different, and, well, you might just learn a little bit about yourself in the process. I know I did. LOLarrhea!!!! Because I'm wearing them, and I just did.

First, and most academically, we have The Vienna Beef Factory. This shit has been squeezing out cased meats since 1972, but the Vienna Beef brand has been fartin' around Chicago since the late 19th Century. The factory is right on Damen Avenue, just a little north of Fullerton, and just a squirt away from Costco( Oprah's been there, but I haven't. Yet one more reason why I am less than Oprah). It's a FACT! You can go to the factory and buy cased meats that were just delivered from the assembly line, and the best part is that you're eating actual beef( with just a hint of colon)! OMGKITRIPXYZ!!! That makes me want to eat them, in the words of Lionel Ritchie, "all night lonnnnggg. All night!" Some other random info about the Vienna Beef factory, is that there is this dude there named Mark Reitman, whose official title(according to cray crays at the Vienna Boeuf website) is GD PROFESSOR OF HOT DOGS!!!! What the hell was I doing for those six years of undergrad? I could have been a goddamn professor of hot dogs! My jealousy knows no bounds. Vienna Beef is a Chicago classic, and everyone should take some time out of their busy busy (aka boring) schedules, and visit the factory. Bring the kids! Fun for the whole family!!! Here's a post from a blog called "Pure Tastes", wherein, Matt and Rebecca (the two pals who write the blog) visit the Vienna Beef Factory, and then fondle their wieners with their moufths(Grossout '010, Rebecca likes BBQ sauce on her hot dogs. Get. Away.)

In other news, I got to second base with Hot Doug's. Actually, zero base because it hasn't had the pleasure yet. Last winter, Christine(better known to you all as my wifey pal) had surgery, and I went with her as moral support, and because I am a good wife(Better than that Margulies mess). While Christine's ass(literally) was knocked the fuck out, I watched Anthony Bourdain's drunk ass stumble around Chicago, and he totally went to Hot Doug's!!! He ate the "fois gras and Sauternes duck sausage with truffle aioli, fois gras mousse and fleur de sel." What. The.!!! I have been dreaming about that mess for at least a year, and lord only knows why I haven't stumbled my drunk ass there on some hungover/re-activated drunk morning. Oh wait, I know why. Call me Anna Wintour at the Diesel show, but I hate waking up and going somewhere only to wait in a line forever. Duck fat fries(yep, on the weekends ONLY. BASTARDOS)might make me rise from my snuggle zone. I said MIGHT which basically means "maybe" which basically means "no." Hot Doug's is located in Chicago's Avondale neighborhood, and is a wildly popular joint, so I suggest(for you and for me), that if you decide to go, either go on the weekday, OR, bring games and a six-pack because you will be waiting your ass in line for a nice long while. You will want to kill a bitch for their duck fat fries, so please, bring something to entertain yourself while you wait.

Speaking of waiting in lines, The Wiener's Circle is our last stop today. I went there last year sometime( I think ) with my friend Sherrie, and some random dude we met at a chad bar who followed us everywhere we went that night( later we took him to a gay strip club, and he seemed like he wanted to git up on that stage and shake his shit for the gayz.) Naturally, Sherrie and I were drunk and HONGRAAAY for some bullshit, so we walked ourselves over to The Wiener's Circle to get some food. I was totally nervous because, well, shit gets real in there. By "real," I mean, it's run by two weird old white dudes, but the actual spot is handled by a cast of feisty black women who are not afraid to literally call you a bitch. When I got up to the counter to order, I was ordered very politely(aka very Waspily), paid, tipped them $10, and then moved off to the side to wait for my food. Meanwhile, guy we were with who followed us is all up in my face yelling at me to ask them for a chocolate milkshake. I told him it wasn't on the menu, but he kept yelling at me to ask them for it because they would make it. It wasn't until later, when I was watching This American Life's first season of their TV show on Showtime, that I learned that "chocolate milkshake is code for "lift up your top and shake your tits around." Mortification space station nation. MY dumbfuckery aside, the food here is amazingly greasy delicious and it is cheap as hell. If you go there in the daytime, it's totally like some normal greaaaaaaasy hot dog place, and the ladies are chilled out, but at night, when all the Lincoln Park assholios start stumbling out of their surrounding watering holes(double entendre!), it can get a little fucked up. Again, if you are scared of angry drunk mobs, and forget that you live in a hyper-segregated city, go in the daytime. If you're up fo an adventure, and potentially embarassing experience, well, then, prepare yourself for a lot of yelling, shoving, a sprinkle of racism, and probably some homeless guy shuffling up beside you laughing like he was laughing at what you were just talking about, but then holding his hand out, and mumbling "abahwillbahyoubahbuybahmebahsomebahfriesbah?" Let some tricked out Stacy buy him some shit. His hands are dirty, and you are not responsible for his situation. Someone experiencing Yuppie guilt will undoubtedly come to his rescue.

Thanks again for reading ya'll! Let's eat some hot dogs this weekend UNTIL WE BARF!!!


P.S. Someone get me one of these for my birthday(March 18th)

P.P.S. Unrelated in every way! This made me laugh it up chuckles

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dear this week,

This has been the worst week of my life. I am working in a tiny salon run by a very nice, but a little crazay in the brains Asian woman. My co-worker in my cubicle with me is a 45 year old gay who put on the Barbara Streisand greatest hits in the middle of the day today, and when I was all, "Is this showtunes?" He cracked the fuck up and was like, "NO!" Girl you so crazayyyy! I took the salon books home last night to figure out tomorrow's schedule/call clients/book them/stab them with my mind through the phone, and then left it on my kitchen table this morning on my way out the door. A roundtrip cab ride from downtown to Humboldt Park and back downtown again- $22. Crying in the cab and having my cabbie tell me it was ok, and that nobody's perfect-Priceless. Fuck. This. Week. 4EVAH! Why can't I just come home to this? I heart me some Bear Jew.

I'm going to drink some wine and think about fun stuff for us to do this weekend. I am thinking it will involve hot dogs which reminds me, Dear Trashman, when can I give you the awesome food-related thing I made for you? It is SO awesome!



Monday, February 22, 2010

Let's get some beers brah!

It's no secret in my circle, that I like to throw down a beer or ten. I didn't start drinking the beers until I was about 19, and at that late in the game, of course I would start with Guiness. I mean, why not? That seems TOTALLY normal. Those who know me well, know that I have a penchant for Mickey's 40s (Christine and I wisely chose to substitute Mickey's for King Cobra when we made our own Sparks) and PBR. Those who might not know me as well, might not realize, that I do enjoy a finely crafted homebrew here and there. Let me apologize right now for crushing your pristine image of me as a young twenty something chugging Natty Lite at a house party.

I genuinely enjoy the taste of a great beer, so today, we're talking about a couple of microbreweries that make their home right here in this fine city of Chicago. While it's great to sit in a bar like the Map Room all night sipping on a delicate Belgian Wheat, we live in a city, a dense, urban city, in the midwest, and it would be naive to think that no one's decided to start brewing their own beer here, and then selling it to the parched masses(because Milwaukee and Michigan have been doing it for a long ass time ya'll).

First up is the Half Acre Beer Company. One of the keys I think to creating a successful upscale beer brand, is producing seasonal brews. There are so many restaurants in Chicago that work with a seasonal menu, and it is most appreciated when they include an accompanying beer list that proves to be a fitting companion. If you hate the taste of food(side eye Rachel Zoe), then it doesn't matter if your beer brings out the flavor of what you're shoveling into your mouth hole. However, if I'm going to throw down for a nice dinner, or lunch(I like to day drink sometimes), it's nice to have the complete package. Now, I know what I like when it comes to eating and drinking pairings, but I always ask just in case I get too drunk before I start, and as a result, pick something totally wrong and gross. I consulted with my sister who bartends at Uncommon Grounds on Devon Avenue, and asked her to recommend one entree and one beer from each company and then explain to me why they go together. After I read her response, I just felt really hungry for that pork chop and fried brussel sprouts I ate a couple weeks ago. Man, I love a porkchop(PORKCHOP SANGWICHES!!!).

The Half Acre Beer Uncommon Grounds has on tap right now is called "Baume Chocolate Rye Stout". It's RICH BITCH! so she recommends it as a "before or after beer" and suggests you pair it with their Double Chocolate Cake topped with blueberry jam and toasted almonds(WTF! That is just rude!). According to Al, "with the nuttiness and coffee flavors of the beer on top of the fruit/nut/chocolate combo, you're gonna be in a continuous foodgasm." I recommend you eat that choco choco cake first, and then dip into the pork chop, pairing that with Half Acre's "Daisy Cutter" Ale. "Pork and pale ales are A+." "Baume" is also only on tour around the city for a limited time, so I suggest you quit dickin' around, and go try it! Ain't no lie, bye bye bye.

What makes the Half Acre Beer Co. even more awesome besides crafting a tasty beverage, is that they offer tastings and beer tours right in their brewery! How amazing is that?!!! Now we don't have to get on the damn Amtrak to go to Milwaukee to get our three free Miller Lights! We can drink beer that isn't nasty swill water! Hooray! Things are lookin' up kids! Tours of the brewery happen every Saturday at 1pm(side note/side-eye, Metromix said the tours are on Friday at 5pm, but a bunch of drunk Chads work there, so they are probably wrong), and they. are. FREEEEEEEEEEE! Go on the tour, taste some beer, get a little tipsy, buy a sixer, drive to the beach, SATURDAY FUNDAY!

Next is Metropolitan Brewing. The script of their labels borrows from the Art Nouveau design of theMetro arches of Paris, which I love, and which ultimately attracts me to the product. FUN FACT! When I'm shopping for wine, I look for the coolest bottle, and that always wins. I mean, there are other rules. Por ejemplo, it can't be Merlot(puke my face off forever). It's like playing Magic The Gathering, but playing "scariest card wins." I'm cool.

Uncommon Grounds has Metropolitan's "Generator Dopplebock"(sounds like something we've all done at Berlin!) on tap right now. I'm sure I've had this, but you know how sometimes people introduce themselves to you, and you immediately forget their names? It's like that. The history behind this beer is that it was "traditionally brewed by monks and drunk during Lent to provide them with nutrition during the fast." They were also only brewing Dopplebocks in the winter, so they'd be perfect by March. Now they are brewed year round because traditions are too old worldy for you damn kids. This particular dopplebock's flavor is described as having an "aroma of caramel malt, a bit of nuttiness, and light floral hops. Creamy, caramel, and nutty flavor. The sweetness is kept in check with the hops and malts." You can basically drink this beer with anything, but the recommendation is that you stay away from steaks which is fine because who eats steaks anymore? I don't need any more hormones than I already have and, cows have precious faces. It's best to stick with the pork chop(you will not squeeze a tear out for steak) or probably fried chicken(Al says "crispy chicken" but that equals "fried" in my mind. Beer and fried chicken is classico) QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!! "Oreos are to potato chips what nutty, malty, caramel, floral hops is to a juicy pork chop, creamy polenta, pancetta, and fried brussel sprouts." Hell to the YES Bobby!

If reading this doesn't make you foam at the mouth for delicious food paired with even more delicious beers, then you are DEAD. Stop trying to eat my brains.

Half Acre and Metropolitan beers can be found all over the city. Each of their websites list each restaurant that serves their beer, and if you buy booze anywhere besides CVS, you can easily find their tasty brews for the buying at most liquor stores in Chicago.

Enjoy your adventures!


Friday, February 19, 2010


Let me tell you what! It has been a solidly rough week. I have been on the phone so much in the past three days, I feel like I'm in a neverending goddamn voice and diction class. I can't enunciate enough words in one sentence. Needless to say, I'm not writing anything interesting until tomorrow night. This time here, this special special time we share with each other, will be met with this:

I'm too tired to write anything of substance tonight. I'll be back on tomorrow to fill your eye holes with pretty things and/or people. Until then, I'll be drinking White Zinfandel with Karen and Kim and wearing my crown of roses, scheming on a thing called, "How do I make Mike Rowe my boyfriend?"

P.S. Of COURSE this bitch did!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Has anyone seen my sewing stuff?

I know I promised a blog full of pretty things tugging at your wallet holes, but after I started, I realized that besides writing snarky reviews of things I like in Chicago, there are about a milli other people and places I'd like to talk about, and unfortunately, or fortunately, they are not all for sale. Buying stuff is totally fun, and I definitely name it as one of my favorite pasttimes, but I have more for you.

What I have for you tonight mein lieben is a tale as old as time. Beautyyyyy and.......the BEEEEEEAAAASSSSSSTTTT! Just kidding! I'm not into that. Whenever I visit my parents in Michigan, I always try to get started learning some kind of craft. Every year I would make the trek home, and on the day before I left, I would try to learn how to sew something, (either on the machine or by hand), and I would always get pissed and impatient and forget about it until the next time I was home(although, somehow I managed to retain some of the basic sewing skills my mom taught me). This past Christmas was something different for me. I went home intent on learning how to do something, and actually keeping up with it so I could advance my skills and become totally awesome at it. Cut to: I am kicking some ass with my cuter than cute embroidery! Also, I'm designing my dress for my glam outing to see The Marriage of Figaro(GLAMOUR!!!)

It's nothing new here people that I love kitsch and mid century anything. Naturally I love embroidery because it is a centuries old skill(PLEASE BELIEVE! It is a total physical challenge!), but also, it keeps me in touch with practices included in the "women's only" club(AKA, I don't wear pants, I love garter belts, and I wear an apron when I clean). I honestly like it because it gives me something else to do with my time besides stare blankly at my TV for hours(I literally have been watching Inglourious Basterds on a loop for the last two days. I can't get enough of Landa!), but I have come to realize, that embroidery is a serious artform. SHOCKING UPDATE! Men like to embroider as well. Who knew!

My main basically for this post is to illuminate the few artists who are using embroidery as their medium. Many of them are women, but they use needle and thread as a painter would use oils and a brush. This isn't just for grandma's and cat ladies like me. These women and men, are using embroidery, deconstructing "women's work" and turning it into something provacative and undeniably interesting.

Andrea Dezso is one of my new personal heroes(with perhaps the exception being, the person who can design a baby bjorn I can put my cat in when I'm writing. Or a cat papoose? A little help here!). A few nights ago, while I was ferociously scanning the interwebz for embroidery related topics and photos, I stumbled across her work. My objective for this particular entry was to shine a light on a different kind of embroidery. I didn't want to just end up talking about The Dinner Party. Dezso's work, to me, was the beginning of what I was looking for. Her work displays a classic embroidery template, but her images are anything but kitsch. Initially I felt a little like I was taking a trip back to on old timey health class, only the moral lessons I was supposed to be learning were a tad disheartening. The structure of each of her pieces displays an enormous amount of skill and control. Lettering is totes HARD!!! Her execution is perfect,and I appreciate the amount of time she has spent here. My favorite piece is the Embroidered Heart. The silk stitching alone was enough to make me weak in the knees. Dezso's work is absolutely poking fun at the linen napkins and tablecloths of yesteryear, and why not?

Which reminds me...Orly Corgan sees Andrea Dezso's hand and raises her a Boticelli's worth of vaginas. Her work is hilarious in that she creates her own scenarios on TOP of a vintage piece of fabric or textile. It's like an exquisite corpse show. She's finishing the other side of the folded piece of paper! Even though Corgan and Deszo are working with a similar set of rebellion in mind, Corgan's work can take on a much cruder sentiment. Sure she knows how to embroider, but isn't it fun to fuck with people and make them think you're shit at it sometimes? Her work isn't perfect. LInes are disconnected, colors are a little off, figures are slightly disproportionate, but it doesn't distract you in the slightest. She's pushing your buttons, and if all you get out of it is naked people doing it at the circus, then, well... special delivery.

Don't think of it as a step backwards, we can all be in on the joke I promise.

When you take a step back and look at it objectively, the process is the same as painting, sculpture, or photography. The days of women's work are long gone, and now women AND the mens can express themselves through embroidery and each time I see it, it both surprises and excites me. I think of all the basic work I am doing on my own from old transfer patterns, and I think, "If I just keep practicing, I can make this into something really interesting and expressive," which I think is the Keymaster to the Art's Gatekeeper. When, as an artist, (and it doesn't matter what medium you choose to work in), you're able to find what truly speaks for you, it's like winning the lottery every day for the rest of your life or, for me, getting to go to Kristkindlemarkt every day for the rest of my life.

If we aren't able to understand where we came from, how are we supposed to progress? What these women and men are creating is far from cute, and even further from boring.

I hope that you enjoy them as well!

Until next time!
XOXO and This is basically what Timmy looked like when he was a baby!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Style House: The Place for Total Fashion!

Yesterday's VD post really took it outta me! Currently I am fighting with my cat who keeps trying to jump onto the table and lay on my arms. NO KITTY!!! This is what I do to Timmy when he's bad.

Before I woke up today, I was having a dream that I was shopping with my mom at this random thrift store that was just called "Fashion House." I've been there in my dreams before, but I can never tell where it is. It's just some random street shop with an old wooden awning. It made me think of that jankity janked out "clothing store" on Broadway and Wilson called "Style House: The place for total fashion!" If you haven't even been to Uptown, I suggest you take your ass there TODAY! It is full of shitty looking clothing stores, and delicious taquerias. Go to Style House and get your outfit for the clurb girl!

Ok, so I was shopping at Fashion House which is like thrift Heaven because everything I picked up was glitter and gold. Even the Juicy Couture poncho I found! AMAZING!

Later in my dream, Zachary Quinto was my gay best friend, and we were going to see some performance art in a venue that was attached to a hot dog stand. I mean, was it the Cook's I drank last night that made me dream such a wonderful dream? I will drink Cook's every night from now on, if it produces a place where I find everything I've ever wanted at the thrift and Zachary Quinto snuggles with me when I feel ugly and bloated and just keeps telling me I'm "fierce."

Best. Dream. Ever.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Ladies I'd Go Lezzie For: Valentine's Day Edition!

When I was in college, I spent most of my time listening to Bad Religion, drinking Apple Pucker straight out of the bottle, and smoking Djarum Blacks. Those were the hardcore years!!! But seriously folks, I couldn't be hardcore if I tried. I'm too worried I'll fuck up my ghetto glitter mani.

When I wasn't at the Hot Topic in the mall buying hair dye, or slutty goth clothes, or pining after the cokehead in my stats class(his pen said WRITE OFF DRUGS!!! Major swoon!), I was spiraling into a deep obsession with Contemporary Art, more importantly, the role of women in Contemporary Art. I noticed a shocking trend! I spent almost all of my damn time pouring over ugly slides of tedious art created by men who had some sort of ejaculatory response to the world around them. They were all suffering sociopaths who decided that the world was just too beautiful(cut to: a plastic bag floating around a K-Mart parking lot)B -to -the- mega ORING!!!

Women were, as they always have been, just a chapter in the canon of Art History, and frankly, it made me CRAZAY in the brains to think almost all of these women were working alongside of their male counterparts, (AS EQUALS!!! ) yet they're almost a cute joke, and it felt like, when you make something when you're a kid, and you've worked really hard on it for like, EVAH, and when you finally finish, you wipe the sweat from your brow, exhale, and run off to show it to your parents, or some elder person, and they pat you on the head ever so patronizingly, and say, "Oh, honey, that is SO CUTE!" and you're all, "IT'S NOT CUTE IT'S A SERIOUS COMMENT ON THE SUFFERING OF THE (whatever show you just watched on NOVA) PEOPLE!" It takes almost a full four years of Art History classes to touch on more than just a few token Renaissance painters, meanwhile, sister's are doin' it for themselves, and no one seems to think the present is relevant. INAPPROPRIATE!!! If Georgia O' Keefe wanted to be Mrs. Alfred Stieglitz her whole life, she wouldn't have even started painting in the first place. Sadly, she spent her entire life attempting to just be mentioned in the same sentence as an artist on par with any of Stieglitz's friends.

My Kanye caps lock is about to get stuck in a 40 page all caps rant about how ridiculous that is.

My point is, we shouldn't need to take a special class to learn about the women artists who have made just as much of an impact, if not more of an impact on the entire history of Art. NEWS FLASH ASSHOLIOS! Just because we have emotions, doesn't mean we want to lay spread eagled on Oprah's couch and talk about how we have cramps. Women are capable of the same sort of fuckery men commit daily, and we don't have to be cute about it or paint with our mentrual blood to talk about how things are different for us, and how no matter what we do, we're just live versions of Real Dolls.

As a young woman trying to figure my way through this man's world, I began to seek out women artists who were kicking everyone's ass in the room, and explaining themselves in a similar vague fashion, just as the men that came before them, or who were working alongside them would. Evasive answers to questions, and beating around their unkempt bushes whenever asked anything about their agenda. You can assume that a Georgia O'Keefe is a vagina, but maybe it's not, and maybe you're just an idiot who can't see past a cliche.

While I'd love to spend the next FOREVAH writing about women artists I love, I'm going to give you two who are my favorites, and then I'll sprinkle some jelly beans in your hand for later.

My first love was Camille Rose Garcia. Honestly, I can't remember how I discovered her, but all we know now is that I have a huge tattoo of her work on my right arm. This love is FOOOORRREVVVEERRRRRR! She's been working out of LA since the 90s, and what I love about her, is that she paints these grotesque landscapes that all look some glamourous sewer. This could be the future. It could also be a cage. Her women are all these dainty little waifs with languid bodies, big beautiful Bette Davis eyes, and they're captives. They float through her cavernous worlds amidst dangerous gnomes, and glittery animals, and they look defeated yet beautiful. Ms. Garcia has only given a few interviews, and most of them refer to her worlds as these anti-utopian societies, and some are a comment on how we are ruining the earth. These are obvious conclusions that any fool could reach. What I love is that even if this is an ugly and terrible rendition of what the future of the world look like, she takes an ideal version of glamourous women and exaggerates it to the point where we can't even tell we're looking at her social comment. A gorgeous satin veil is being pulled over our eyes, and we are none the wiser. She's fooled everyone and that is her middle finger to all the Jeff Koons' of the world. Also, she just illustrated a new edition of Alice in Wonderland. Could a partnership BE more perfect? Don't argue with me. The answer is no.

Next is Miss Van, a French graffiti artist who paints a similarly exaggerated version of the ideal woman. Her demure yet undeniably sexy little rabbits flaunt their overt sexuality all over the filthy streets of europe. However tramped up her ladies appear, there is no question in my mind about their strength. It's like she's running a brothel of sexed up animal women who would be just as likely to kill you as they would to fuck you. In every interview I have read of hers, when asked about why she paints what she paints, she gives the best dismissive answers to date. As a woman, of course I am attracted to the idea of the ideal, but what is more attractive, is that both Garcia and Miss Van have made the conscious decision to take the ideal to the MAXXXX! They've taken a medium that is overrun with self-indulgent men, and discarded the idea of the woman's flaccid wrist painting still lives of flowers and ponies.

Let's stop being polite and start getting real! We're never going to become men, so in the meantime, we can stop wasting our time fighting every single difference between us and start embracing them.

Sometimes it's not defeat if you give them what they want. Sometimes it's the ultimate joke.

Ladies, I'm raising my glass of chillable red to you!


JELLY BELLIES!!!(Toasted Marshmallow edition!)
Beth Ditto
Hope Atherton
Coco Chanel
Grace Coddington
Lady Pink
Jenny Holzer
Barbara Krueger

Got VD? Get to the free clinic!

I'll be back later with more, but just to let everyone know how much I love them, and also how much I love that they are reading what I have to barf about, here is the best video since Latarion Milton's "gettin' into hood rat stuff with myfriends." If there was a Waffle House anywhere near me, please BELIEVE that I would be taking my ass there for a candle lit dinner of chicken and waffles!

I'm off to treat myself to a heart shaped donut from Dunkin Donuts, and Inglourious Basterds on repeat all day(Hans Landa is my dreamboat date). Enjoy your day hood rats!


Thursday, February 11, 2010

A bun in the oven.

Ask just about anyone I know, and they will tell you that I am no good in the kitchen. Sure, I could be if I tried, but I'm much more comfortable looking like Betty Draper and holding a cocktail(aka PBR tallie). I love being in my kitchen, I love kitchen decor, and I love kitchen appliances. I'm just not into cooking. I will not bake the cookies, but best believe I will be there when you need someone to take care of that last bit of batter in the bowl.

That's why I'm dedicating today's post to those few who love being in the kitchen, and who, more importantly, love baking sweet and pretty treats. I know there are like, a gagillion bakeries here in Chicago, but the two I have picked out, I feel, are the best. They are the most creative as far as cake and pastry design, and they feel much less pretentious than most of those other bakeries or pastry shops(you know which ones I am giving the side-eye to).

As a companion piece to my bakery shakedown, I'm tossing in a few jewelry designers who make it rain in the club with their pastry themed jewelry.

Now, down to business. Tipsycake is dangerously close to my home(1043 N. California Avenue to be exact). I walk past it on my way to get coffee from Knockbox(insert side-eye chuckle and "that's what she said"). Its location may suggest that it doesn't know its audience, but don't let the blue lights and the hoodrats on the corner fool you. This is serious cake making business. Take a look in their window, and you will notice that this isn't their first time at the goddamn rodeo. Owner Naomi Levine may be a Chicago import by way of Sydney, Australia(she's the Aussie philosophy!!!), she taps into the Midewestern fatassery like she's lived here forevah! I like that Tipsycake is low-key, and that they don't seem to get lost in the overload of cute pastry shops that seem to have popped up like a Herpes outbreak over the past few years. FUN SIDE STORY!! Sometimes, when you go play bingo at the California Clipper(aka Whoopsie Mondays '09. )Tipsycake generously comes over and brings delicious goodies that the Steve's dole out to the inebriated masses. Tipsycake is delicious and fun, and if I wanted to have the cutest day ever, I would go to Adam and Sons on the corner of California and Thomas, buy a bouquet of the cutest Gerbera Daisies(in all the colours of the CUTEST rainbow), then go to Tipsycake and order like, a milli cupcakes, and then skip through the barrio singing old Puerto Rican folk jams, and handing out cupcakes and flowers!!!(I JUST CUTED IN MY PANTS!!!)

Wow, I just took my cute-o-meter to the MAXXXXXX!!! Next is The Bleeding Heart Bakery( Owners Vinny and Michelle Garcia were first seen peddling their goodies(not MY goodies) at local Farmer's Markets and have stuck to their guns about buying locally grown ingredients for all of their baked goods. This is an excellent basically for a trillion reasons. One of the most important being that they are supporting local growers in and around the Chicago area. Another being, even though they're baking cakes and various other delights(which are sweet and delicious, but tend to hang on tenaciously to the cellulite in my ass), they aren't pumping preservatives into their product which is A+(sorry Ho-Ho's), and when eaten in moderation(sorry self-control), the guilt won't feel as opressive! The Bleeding Heart, while also adorable, is definitely on the weirder tip. If you're looking for a super weird cake or truly truly truly outrageous gourmet cupcakes for that person in your life who just won't stand for a "Fresh to your Family from Jewel" style cake or plastic container of poorly constructed cupcakes, I would highly recommend you take your ass over theThe Bleeding Heart Bakery, and make their dreams come true. It's like a Vivian Westwood leather jacket covered in safety pins on the outside with a Chanel evening gown underneath. GLAMOUR!

BACKGROUND CHECK! When I was a girl, I had a Strawberry Shortcake doll. Keep in mind, this was before she was nipped and tucked, sucked and plucked. This was old school, big head, nappy hair, raver chic Strawberry Shortcake, and she smelled like fake fake FAKE strawberries. That kind of nostalgia is what I look for in my jewelry. I like piece that takes me back to playing in the dirt with my dolls, and making them all ride dinosaurs like it was no thang at all.

After an hour of so of slumming around the internet, I happened across these token pieces. This charm should come with a warning specifically designed for me that will read "WARNING! YOUR DUMB ASS MIGHT TRY TO EAT ME, BUT I AM NOT FOR THE EATING. CHOKABLE PIECES IDIOT!" I would probably still try to eat it because I don't look before I put anything in my moufths. You can find this charm and many other beautiful tiny fake treats on Etsy at http://www/

Next and finally tonight, are these cupcake earrings. They're in my cart already, patiently awaiting a smooth transaction. Again, these earrings come courtesy of the archives of Etsy from Shayaaron( Notice that both pieces are not some crappy cut-outs someone made and put online after they had a few glasses of Franzia and decided they were a "crafter." The ladies and gentleman featured tonight are serious craftspeople. They make edible and non-edibles alike because they enjoy the process, but more importantly, they enjoy the fact that other people enjoy what they do, and that, my fancy pals, is the payoff. Yeah, you've gotta do it because you love it, but you've gotta love that other people love and appreciate it as well, otherwise, go back to your cabin in the woods Unibomber!

Sweet dreams my sugarplums!


P.S. Here's a link to a post on Gawker with tributes from Fashion's main trannies ""

RIP Alexander McQueen


Alexander McQueen has died! The BBC confirmed this morning, after much speculation, and rainbow sparkle wishes from the swishes of the world (and ME), that is was a nasty nasty rumor. Unfortunately it is true, and the world has lost another genious.

I want to keep this short, and just spend the rest of my day celebrating this man's work. It sounds horribly cheesy, but he was a true inspiration to my personal style, and with the advent of his collection he designed around Gossip's Beth Ditto, he gave me hope that someday I too will have a fabulous designer tayloring his collections just for me.

The world is less of a place without you Alexander. I hope your heaven is full of real life unicorns prancing around in your unicorn shoes! VIVA MCQUEEN!


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The style of today.

I find myself without a decent enough amount of time to write about all the delicious things I had previously wanted to write about. I will, however, give you something to do with your time day, if any of it happens to be free.

The Oscars are coming up soon. In about a month. That gives me time to catch up on some Best Picture noms, and also plan out what my acceptance speech would be(I plan my outfit and speech accordingly every year.). I know that this year will probably belong to Avatar which is like a party in my mouth only every one's throwing up, so I will just have to settle for sexy Christoph Waltz winning Best Supporting Actor. He is totally my delicious old boyfriend. We could totally live in Austria together, or really, who cares! I would live in a cardboard box as long as his fine ass was there with me.

I digress. My favorite category besides the main ones, is Best Animated Short.
Here's the list of the shorts this year. You Tube seems to be calling me a bitch today, but I am sure most of them are available online somewhere.

The list is as follows:
French Roast
Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty
The Lady and The Reaper
A Matter of Loaf and Death



Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Before I veture out into the snow, I thought I would throw some midday fun times your way!

I spend most of my time being pretty broke, so I like to keep it cheap and interesting when I shop for clothes or really anything. Since I missed half price mondays at Unique yesterday, I will share with you today, two of my favorite vintage/consignment shops in the city, because despite what any old broad in Bloomingdale's will tell you, you don't need to spend a shitload of money to look great. All you need is the tiniest grasp of your own personal style, and maybe some basic sewing skills. Sometimes you're going to find pieces that are almost perfect. They just need a little tweeking and maybe a little embellishment. Get a needle and thread and BAM! new outfit.

First up is my favorite. Clothes Optional.
I've been shopping there for years, and the owner Jamie, is super cute, but also has great taste in vintage gear. The only time I have left with nothing in my sweaty palms was this past Sunday. I was looking for something very specific, and I just couldn't find it. With the exception of that ONE damn day, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I go in there, I find something. I can't get enough of that place. You can find handmade as well as vintage pieces, and you won't break the bank. However, this isn't Unique thrift where everything is basically $1 and you have to Lysol yourself when you get home. It's vintage, not thrift, and because the quality is vastly superior to janky but awesome thrifts, be prepared to spend more. You can find Jamie and her crew online at her myspace page (I know right! what IS that???) Every few months or so, Jamie has an art show in her shop. She ususally features local street artists, namely Goons and Stomach, but once upon a time when I worked at a gallery, we shared an artist named Jeremy Scheuch( I would totally recommend getting on the Clothes Optional mailing list. She'll let you know when the shows are, and also has monthly coupons offering 20-30% off of select merchandise. ALSO ALSO ALSO!!! When you go to her shows, you get to drink free PBR AND get 50% off all clothes. HOT SALE! Please check her out. Small businesses tend to suffer during these hard times, and it would break my fragile little heart to see her leave. For now, you can find Jamie and her owls at 2918 N. Clark Street right here in Chicago! While you're over there, treat yourself to a show at the Landmark. See if they'll sell you the Gummy Bears in the case(HOT TIP! They won't. I tried!)

Next up is a new favorite. Very Best Vintage on Chicago Ave. I've only stumbled into this shop a few times, but I did leave with a pewter unicorn statue. AWESOME! The owner of Very Best Vintage has superb taste as well. Every single piece in that place was in perfect condition, and I was more than willing to shell out the cash. If you're in the market for an unbelievable Rococco inspired handbag or some kitschy thing for your kitchen, then you should be at Very Best Vintage right now. Stop reading this and GO GO GO !!! Its location is perfect and if you are lazy like I am, and don't like leaving your neighborhood, then it's perfect!!! I might even brave the storm and go today! SHIT MON! Since I'll be shopping for myself for V-Day, I think I deserve a new purse and some sparkly new gems! While you're shopping til you drop at Very Best Vintage, you should make a stop at Rotofugi and pick up the new copy of Juxtapoz oh, and I collect these: CUTE!

What sells me on both of these shops is their attention to quality. Anyone can put shitty quality items in a storefront and try to sell them. I mean, we've all been to Chinatown or Milwaukee and California. These ladies actually take the time to hand pick each piece and pay careful attention to the structure of the garment. Everything remains intact and has held onto its original luster. If you're going to buy vintage, buy from these ladies. You'll spend about the same amount as if you were shopping at H&M except you'll leave with something truly special and unique. Simple things can change your life.

Well, here I go again on my own! I hope I don't get all stranded Donner Party style out in the snow!


Monday, February 8, 2010

BAM! Too much booty in the pants!!!

HOT SHIT! I have so much I want to talk about, it's like I have to crap my pants, but can't find the terlet fast enough! First you're running, then you're walking (thanks Phil!) First of all, happy Monday ya'll! I know I DON'T have a case of the Mondays because I am currently in my pajamas, in my kitchen, listening to Jenny Lewis, and drinking tea. Be jealous. It's totally fine. I've only got an hour to get this all out, and then I plan to move my ass to my couch so I can watch TMZ. My life is really something.

Now, down to bizzzzznassss! Valentine's Day is coming atcha whether you get to bone someone you know or just some mysterious stranger you meet at the bar. I'll be roaming the streets handing out cupcakes (who are we kidding, mostly eating them) to unknowing randoms who hate V-Day, but for those of you who have people to shop for, I am here to help. Chocolates and flowers, while pretty and delicious, are played out. It's time for something different. You've been with your significant other long enough. Stop boring them, and give them something really special. I suggest you begin with this card by Design Dude. I found him on Etsy, and you can too! If I gave someone this card, they should feel totally special because I LOVE bacon, and if I love them more than I loved bacon, then it's for serious this time.

Funny cards are like losing the first hand of strip poker. Take off your top. The next proverbial "ball" is in your man's court. So here's something funny for Valentine's day, but if I were a dude, I would probably want this on any day. A robot riding a Triceratops?! That is almost as funny as the picture I have of Jesus riding a T-Rex on my fridge! Seriously. Everyone should want this shirt. Also courtesy of Etsy, this tee comes to you from design collective Happy Family. You can check out their Etsy shop at http://www/ What's cooler than something that looks mega cute on a t-shirt, but could give you a total case of the deads at a moment's notice? A robot riding a Triceratops that's what!

Now, my next two finds are for the ladies, or the trannies, or you know, Katie Price's ex drag-mess "Roxanne." Bendywho will be designing my jewels for my prairie wedding to Brad Pitt(Jesse James meets Little house!). It's like she stuck her hand into my brain and pulled out everything I love about jewely. Big and baubly.
I can't tell you how much I love her work, but what I can tell you is that even though she piles on layers and layers of accessories onto one necklace, the structure remains intact. The design of her pieces don't suffer, and it doesn't look cheap or janky in any way. There is a serious level of intricacy to each necklace or cuff, and I appreciate her attention to detail. I guarentee you will too, so I suggest you agree to finally perform that strip tease for your boyfriend or girlfriend to whatever Poison or GNR song he or she wants because you want to wear one of these. I promise, after the humilation or embarassment has passed, and you're laying in your bed wearing your Bendywho necklace, it will all seem worth it. Bendywho's collection can be found at

The last item for today is a classic. Lingerie! I know that that can seem played out as much as chocolates or flowers, but this time it's different. This time, it's vintage luxury, and it's by a designer called Wundervoll by way of the website Daily Candy( Wundervoll is based out of Berlin, which is also one of my favorite bars in Chicago! You could wear this lingerie to Berlin as your Saturday night outfit! Then when you get home with that random tranny(it happens to people) you would barely spend any time undressing! FUN! If that's not your thing however, and let's be real, we're not 18 anymore, Wundervoll's lingerie is sexy in a way that is lost on the youth of today. Undressing can be the sexiest part of being with someone, and just think of undressing your lady, and underneath it all, she's wearing this unbelievably sexy vintage lingerie! I mean, when I said I was wearing pajamas, I meant I was wearing Wundervoll lingerie and sipping an egg cream.

Wow, this post just made me hungry for luxury.

Until next time ladies and gents and ladygents!
I love you even without Valentine's Day!


p.s. When you do have spare time, you should for sure check out my friend Brian's blog Brian IS New York City, and maybe, he'll let you taste a second of his insight. He is awesome and you should know who he is.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I got a delay!

I will be back online in a couple of days. it has been rough around the edges here in Betseyville. Let's get real. Sometimes life throws you a shark sangwich that is more like a shit sangwich.


See you lovelies in a few!


Monday, February 1, 2010


I'm new here.

Don't forget to go to to see what else she has to offer. She is awesome! You will be 100% more awesome once you get to know her too.



NiceLena and I go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back. She is not only an amazing human, she is also a pretty sweet jewelry designer. Back in the day she was something of a traveling saleswoman; selling her earrings out of a van as sh travelled across the country. She's been featured in the Chicago fashion magazine Venus, and has taken part in literally every craft show in Chicago, from Renegade to DEPART-MENT. She works out of her ultra cute home in Evanston, and when she's not wrangling her adorable daughters Penny and Chloe, she is creating super fun, hip, and cool jewelry. It is a true pleasure knowing her, and you should too!!! Check out these new earrings, "Hungry Like the Wolf." Eat it Three Wolf Moon T-shirt!!!



Total fun for EVERYONE!

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth (well, sort of), I've compressed all of my ideas through a very glamourous and glittery piece of cheesecloth, and voila! A blog featuring designers I love and who I think you should love too. Organization is a truly worthwhile skill.

I want to use this slice of internet space to talk about my friends and what they've been up to, as well as discover new designers out there working their asses off to make a living. Being an artist is a tough gig, and if I can generate the same amount of press for a struggling designer as the "Three Wolf Moon" T-Shirt has generated for itself, then, we can all be riding to Sundance in my G5 by next year! SUPER FUN!

This project will surely take awhile to get off the ground, and I need your help! I know you're sitting in your cube at the office "working" for at least 8 hours each day. That's right. I can see you when you're sleeping, and I can see you when you're awake. Don't ask me how I managed to get that ability. Trust me. You really don't want to know.

Ahhhh, I digress. I want this to be a collaborative effort. I'll post designers I think you should check out, and if you see someone who you think I would enjoy looking at/buying from, tell me about them!!! I love NEW STUFF!!! I also really love making new friends.

Also, if you are a designer, and need someone to do some PR work for you, look no further. I'm on it. I will take your words, and make them sing. I want to make you the best you can be.

YAY! Let's work together and make stuff!