Sunday, March 21, 2010
We young. We Fly. And we gonna stay flashy til the day that we die.
Well, I'm back from my Amazing Race style travels, and let's just say I did NOT win. I have been through seemingly every airport from here to the end of the world and back. I used to like airports, and while I have managed to hold onto most of that love, I gotta say, Dear Philadelphia, your airport benches suck, and make it very difficult for a girl to stretch out when she has to sleep in the airport because she missed her connection to Chicago, because LaGuardia airport is ghetto and never on time for anything. After all we've been through together, I thought it fitting for me to highlight the hilarious places I've been in the past week, and maybe sometime you can share your travel blunders with me, and we can all get a good laugh, even though, at the time, we were crying on the inside, or almost on the outside.
I haven't flown probably since I went to South Carolina and Georgia in 2006, so I was rusty behind the 3oz liquid wheel(duMb!) I also must have looked like a foreigner walking through security because I kept forgetting to do things, and, since WHEN! do they make you do stuff at the airport??? They are literally paying those people to stand there and act like everyone is a terrorist. FU.gov(that site is OFFICIAL!) I made it through security with no problem, with the exception of feeling all dissheveled(oh yeah, I filled 2 bins full of my shit, and also somehow smuggled a lighter in my purse. By the time I got to NYC, Phil's roommate was all, "how'd you get that lighter through?" I'm magic MF!)
I love an adventure, that is a total positive, and since my patience threshhold has more flavor than a stick of Orbit Mist, I don't mind waiting at the gate. While I was waiting at O'Hare, CNN's weird HLN channel is running on a loop, and that, my homie friends, is where I heard Corey Haim was no mo'. First BONER now COREY!!!! WTF? Actually, I take back my WTF. I never saw anything either of those two were in. I'll pause for all impending gasps. The only reason I know who they are is because, contrary to my childhood, I watch a shit ton of televise now. I also read my body weight in tab-roids, and gossip websites, so I can fake it like a pro-ho!
After the 15th time I heard Corey's name on HLN, naturally, I turned to Dlisted, and read the "real" news. Side note: Didn't Corey Haim sing that "I wear my sunglasses at night" song? If so, I can get behind that jam, mostly because I treat that lyric as words to live by. Also, there was a story about a wolverine humping a tree! Of COURSE! What will these cray cray animals think of next? Also, this just confirms that even animals are as bored with their own kind as I am! TREEEEETED! While I was sitting there ignoring the kids that would inevitably be on my flight, I thought, "Why take a hiatus from writing, when I can just write whilst I haul my gear all across the country!" BONER! (r.i.p.) So put some hot tracks on and read all about it.
My first tip to a successful trip is to look awesome. As always, fools will tell you that you need to dress comfortably, but just like the results of your lie detector test on Maury, "THAT IS A LIE!!!" Don't schlep yourself around the airport in your Juicy sweats and that Von Douche cap you still own(L7 loserville!) You should plan your outfit wisely because you never know what you're going to be doing on the other end of your flight. You might have to go right out when you get to where you're going, and you don't want to look like a some schlubby schlub with dirty hair, chipped nail polish, and a bad outfit. No girl. Get a sweet outfit together, get a haircut, get a manicure, and sashay your ass through the airport like you just won the final bid on Ebay for that collectors Star Wars Big Gulp cup.
Tip number two is to stay caffeinated and energized Shit gets longs as hell, and also really boring and you want to be ready to party or do whatever you gotta do when you get to the other side. Nothing is worse than what I looked and felt like when I got into Chicago this past Tuesday. You want to try to look as fresh as possible, so drink some coffee, thrown back a shot of 5 hour energy, drink a Jamba with an energy boost, eat some granola...do whatever you need to keep you running. Traveling always makes me tired, but I have espresso running through my veins instead of blood, so I'm good thanks.
Tip number three is o be extra nice to the airline staff. Their jobs are probably the worst of all time, and they will automatically be on edge and ready to whip out their shiv at a moment's notice, so just be polite. Don't even pretend to sound like you're pissed about whatever is happening to you, or whatever you're doing that is probably an idiot move anyway. Customer service jobs are a bitch, and if you work in one, you will know, that people are dumb assholes, and yes, sometimes people are having bad days, and kids are little assholes too, and the airport is a general hot mess( even more than me on my birthday this week!), but you just gotta get through it, get past them, only talk to them if you have to, say "please" and "thank you" and then get the effffff over to your gate, and commence ignoring everyone. My flight out of Chicago was delayed one hour, and when the guy told me, he kind of paused, I assume because he was preparing himself for a freak out from me, but it was 8:30 in the morning, and I coulda given an eff. He was still kinda rude to me, but, I mean, these people already hate you as soon as they see you walk in the door, so just kill them with kindness, and maybe your luggage will end up in the same place you do.
Other things I noticed while waiting in the airport:
1. I had the same haircut as a couple of 8 year olds running around next to me
2. Everyone was eating the MacDonald's
Clearly another fun time waster in playing the "would you hit it" game. When I was in the Cinncinasty airport, I tried to play it, but I basically came up with a lot of "no way in HEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAALS!" coupled with "What IS that???" Cinncinati's airport was much larger than I expected, and they had smoking lounges which seemed very 70s to me. The smoking lounge was also next to a fast food chili place. Why the effffzo would you want to smoke cigarettes, eat chili, then get on a plane for a few hours, and have to drop a nasty coffee/cigarette/chili deuce in the tiny airplane barfroom? What the hell is wrong with Cinncinati? Also, when my plane rolled up in Chicago, it was tiny, and I was immediately anxious. Small planes feel like roller coasters through turbulence, and I hate roller coasters. Landscapes from 30,000 feet is awesome, and flying above the clouds is cool and it still makes me wish the Care Bears were real. Fun with FUNSHINE BEAR!!! I sure did give that plane the Care Bears side-eye stare because it was tiny, and turbulence scares my shit. When I first got onto that tiny tiny plane, my stewardess(not deragatory!) seemed kind of rude, and also drunk. We all deal with our jobs differently I guess. I smoke cigarettes and ignore people, and my stewardess Jamie does five shots of Cuervo before flying the friendly skies.
I flew over Orlando at night which looked like the voodoo swamp village in The Pirates of the Caribbean movies( I rode that ride!!! Animatronic animals chasing each other!). I guess I forgot that Orlando is a swamp thang, and I was LOLing my face off because my mom just kept talking about how she wanted to see a gator. The weather was mostly shittay, but there were palm trees, and I was on vacation, so no worries homie!
I guess tip number four is don't let a hospital visit drag you down. My mom got a kidney stone the first day I was there, so I spent most of my time watching the guy on the hospital computers cruise Battlestar Gallactica websites, and Rachel Ray make a barf pot pie. I also made some friends in reception who were also from Chicago(79th and Harlem!!!) and I gave every employee the side-eye for moving slower than molasses in January. My side-eye was set to stun all week.
Disney world is a hilarious place. Hilarious mostly because it is the biggest ripoff of your life, and getting information about the greater Orlando area is like trying to hussle for drugs in a back alley. They are basically not allowed to give it up, but, since my dad is a Smooth Operator he persuaded the concierge to print out maps and addresses to some Orlando thrift shops I wanted to try to visit.
On Friday, it was a total monsoon out, so my mom and I got up sort of early, and made our way to downtown Orlando to try to find a little non-Disney shopping. Orlando proper is pretty much just like downtown Milwaukee. It's real small, and cute, but it takes about 5 minutes to drive from one end to the other. I also took a picture of the one homeless person. Hey girl heyyyyy! When I'm away from my big gross city for too long, I start to miss the sound of "Streeeeeeetwisssssseeeeee."
After driving around forever, getting lost, getting really excited about finding a Target, we found the first thrift store which was in the style of Unique or Family Thrift in Chicago. There was so much unicorn bullshit there I wished I had brought an extra suitcase so I could have just shipped back a box of unicorn goodies. I managed to find some sweet joo-ree, and my mom almost got into a girl fight with some old broad over this awesome gold lame leopard print top/dress! It is amazing!!! My moms also contributed more unicorns to our unicorn emporium that is better known to ya'll as where I stays at(that's my apartment for the slow ones). After we got lost finding the first place, we got lost again trying to find the other place, but then, by some random Floridian miracle, we ended up on the street we had been trying to find in the first place, and found this amazing Vintage shop called Deja Vu Vintage The link is basically some reviews and a map, but if you are ever in Orlando, you should go to this shop. Finding this part of Orange Avenue is a little confusing, but once you do, there are janky little record shops, namely Rock and Roll Heaven, and this sassy little restaurant called The White Wolf Cafe. The White Wolf Cafe has a cute arty little vibe, a friendly staff, and as an aesthetic side dish, they display and sell antiques. SUPER NEAT STUFF!!!
I had a great time exploring all over that tiny street, and would recommend that if any of you ever find yourself in and around, or driving through Orlando, skip the "Historical Drive" because it is lame, and about one street long, and none of the shops in said "Drive" are open (WTF '010!), and head straight for North Orange Avenue. If it hadn't been pouring rain like an MF, we probably would have walked around a little more, but since I was down under Tropic Thunder, we couldn't.
My final day in Orlando was not only 75 and perfect, but it was also the day I revisited an old friend. DISNEYWORLD FOOL!!! My mom and I took the bus from our hotel to the Magic Kingdom and spent the day riding the funny old rides, and I giggled at animatronic Lincoln. "FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO...." cue janky robotic hand motions. In all honesty, the Hall of Presidents was dope as hell, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The Pirates ride has been re-vamped a little only due to the success(?) of the movies(I mean, I love them, and even though everyone says the third one is the worst, I like it the best. SECRETS! I have a crush on Davey Jones). It's A Small World is still pretty cute, and that song is still pretty annoying. When Keyboard Cat plays us all out in 2012, it's nice to know that besides roaches and Heidi Mont-hag, the It's a Small World ride will be right there with them.
OH! Also, since it was my barfday this week, I told the folks at Disney that it was my birthday when I was there, so I got this button with my name on it which I proudly wore all the eff over the resort AND the park, and everyone wished me a Happy Barfday from near and far! I H8ed the attention(you know I didn't). My favorite was the guy on the Jungle cruise, herding people into the boats who was all, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETSY!!! SPRING BREAK 2010!!!!!"
By the time I was ready to leave Florida, I wished my vacation there would have lasted a little longer. At least the palm trees part. The Disney part gets old after the seventieth time someone tells you to have a "Magical Evening" or to "Celebrate Everyday!" Celebrate my foot up your ass!
I left Disney at 0 dark o'clock, and got to the airport at 0 darker o'clock. After giving the Orlando security staff the side-eye of their lives, I got to the gate and waited. Got to Hotlanta, and waited. The weather on the East Coast of this country was really treating people in a bad way, so there were all these bums sleeping on the ground and everyone was crabby(who knew that in about 24 hours I would be that crabby bum sleeping on the floor! FUN!).
When we were finally flying over New Jersey(Which is awesome by the by.) we couldn't land, so we flew to Connecticut, sat on the tarmac, and waited to the plane to re-fuel, and for everyone to get all their complaining out of their systems. Luckily for me, I was sitting next to a really hot dude brah, so we chatted about where we were going, I gave him some gum, and it was love at first sight (DANCEDANCEDANCEAMPAMPAMP!). Jersey looks like a better version of Indiana. I know you all just gave me the side-eye, but listen, I love industrial cities, and that industry giveth and taketh away. Jersey is the Shiva the Destroyer. Sorry Indiana. I got in to Jersey, and got the bus to New York. When I was riding into the clusterfuck that is Lincoln Tunnel, I just kept hearing that Alicia Keys song about New York, and it felt a little bit like a movie. This was my first trip to NYC(I know! How dare I!), and it was definitely worth it. I got in, got off the bus, wandered around Grand Central, charged my phone at the ticket counter, ate some delish French Onion Soup at this restaurant across from the station, met up with Phil, saw Times Square, Central Park, Letterman's digs, some Gossip Girl related stuff, drank 40s in the Bronx, went to Chinatown, got a manicure (with designs girl!), walked through Soho, ate a street hot dog(spicy mustard!), walked through Hell's Kitchen, at a $1 slice of pizza, tried to get into the MOMA, got treated, smoked a cigarette in Central Park, took the train to Harlem, took the M60, got to LaGuardia, flight was an hour and a half late, missed my connection in Philly, drank at the airport bar, slept in the airport, looked like a bum, got into Chicago at 11:30 Tuesday, payed my cabbie in coins, passed out. I think maybe I did win the Amazing Race. I'm going back to New York to see the Tim Burton show. and this time I'm going to plan ahead! New York, you're beautiful( and by beautiful, I mean smelly, dirty, and crowded) and I'll see you again soon. Until then, happy travels to all of you, and I'll leave you with my personal dream team:
P.S. Thanks to errrrrryone who came out for my literal barfday Thursday, or last night, and everyone who wished me a Happy Barfday this week. I'm thankful for you guys '010!
P.P.S. Also, Christine and I are going to make some T-Shirts that say "DANCEDANCEDANCEAMPAMPAMP!" and I'm opening the floor to a hilarious design to put on these t-shirts. You can e-mail me your ideas at firstname.lastname@example.org. Let's make awesome stuff together!