Friday, February 26, 2010

Hot Dog Down a Hallway!

The other day when I was at work, one of the assistants came up to me with a hot dog in her hand, and was all, "You want this?" I thought for that one second that God might actually exist because I have been craving a Chicago style hot dog 4EVAH! Seriously, for probably the last 3 weeks, and then here one is, right in my MOUFTHS! It was so disgustingly glamourous, I felt like I needed to sacrifice someone's child or something to thank the God of hot dogs.

The best part of that whole story, is that when I was a kid, I H8ed hot dogs. I was too much of a miss priss to eat some hot doggy fake bullshit(which is super funny, because when I was really young, I used to like to eat dog biscuits, and they are basically soylent dog). Also, when I would eat them, I would only eat them with ketchup( my bad you guys). When I think about the damn kids today, I think, "Holy shit, these kids are picky little brats who make you customize their shit all the damn time! You eat what I give you!" Then, I take a step back, and I remember that whoopsie! I used to be one of those damn kids, always pissing and moaning about the food my mom made for dinner that I didn't like(sorry mom!). For example, gross processed assholes and elbows, better known as hot dogs.

Thanks be to JC that I grew out of that phase. I ate my first Chicago style hot dog only a few years ago( I also called mustard and hot peppers a bitch when I was a kid), and it has changed my life. I could probably eat 1-10 a day for the rest of my life, and never get tired of them, and that's why today's post is about the greatest food item ever invented: The muthfucking HOT DOG!!! The three places I've chosen for today's class are all awesome in their own special special way. They are also all pretty drastically different, and, well, you might just learn a little bit about yourself in the process. I know I did. LOLarrhea!!!! Because I'm wearing them, and I just did.

First, and most academically, we have The Vienna Beef Factory. This shit has been squeezing out cased meats since 1972, but the Vienna Beef brand has been fartin' around Chicago since the late 19th Century. The factory is right on Damen Avenue, just a little north of Fullerton, and just a squirt away from Costco( Oprah's been there, but I haven't. Yet one more reason why I am less than Oprah). It's a FACT! You can go to the factory and buy cased meats that were just delivered from the assembly line, and the best part is that you're eating actual beef( with just a hint of colon)! OMGKITRIPXYZ!!! That makes me want to eat them, in the words of Lionel Ritchie, "all night lonnnnggg. All night!" Some other random info about the Vienna Beef factory, is that there is this dude there named Mark Reitman, whose official title(according to cray crays at the Vienna Boeuf website) is GD PROFESSOR OF HOT DOGS!!!! What the hell was I doing for those six years of undergrad? I could have been a goddamn professor of hot dogs! My jealousy knows no bounds. Vienna Beef is a Chicago classic, and everyone should take some time out of their busy busy (aka boring) schedules, and visit the factory. Bring the kids! Fun for the whole family!!! Here's a post from a blog called "Pure Tastes", wherein, Matt and Rebecca (the two pals who write the blog) visit the Vienna Beef Factory, and then fondle their wieners with their moufths(Grossout '010, Rebecca likes BBQ sauce on her hot dogs. Get. Away.)

In other news, I got to second base with Hot Doug's. Actually, zero base because it hasn't had the pleasure yet. Last winter, Christine(better known to you all as my wifey pal) had surgery, and I went with her as moral support, and because I am a good wife(Better than that Margulies mess). While Christine's ass(literally) was knocked the fuck out, I watched Anthony Bourdain's drunk ass stumble around Chicago, and he totally went to Hot Doug's!!! He ate the "fois gras and Sauternes duck sausage with truffle aioli, fois gras mousse and fleur de sel." What. The.!!! I have been dreaming about that mess for at least a year, and lord only knows why I haven't stumbled my drunk ass there on some hungover/re-activated drunk morning. Oh wait, I know why. Call me Anna Wintour at the Diesel show, but I hate waking up and going somewhere only to wait in a line forever. Duck fat fries(yep, on the weekends ONLY. BASTARDOS)might make me rise from my snuggle zone. I said MIGHT which basically means "maybe" which basically means "no." Hot Doug's is located in Chicago's Avondale neighborhood, and is a wildly popular joint, so I suggest(for you and for me), that if you decide to go, either go on the weekday, OR, bring games and a six-pack because you will be waiting your ass in line for a nice long while. You will want to kill a bitch for their duck fat fries, so please, bring something to entertain yourself while you wait.

Speaking of waiting in lines, The Wiener's Circle is our last stop today. I went there last year sometime( I think ) with my friend Sherrie, and some random dude we met at a chad bar who followed us everywhere we went that night( later we took him to a gay strip club, and he seemed like he wanted to git up on that stage and shake his shit for the gayz.) Naturally, Sherrie and I were drunk and HONGRAAAY for some bullshit, so we walked ourselves over to The Wiener's Circle to get some food. I was totally nervous because, well, shit gets real in there. By "real," I mean, it's run by two weird old white dudes, but the actual spot is handled by a cast of feisty black women who are not afraid to literally call you a bitch. When I got up to the counter to order, I was ordered very politely(aka very Waspily), paid, tipped them $10, and then moved off to the side to wait for my food. Meanwhile, guy we were with who followed us is all up in my face yelling at me to ask them for a chocolate milkshake. I told him it wasn't on the menu, but he kept yelling at me to ask them for it because they would make it. It wasn't until later, when I was watching This American Life's first season of their TV show on Showtime, that I learned that "chocolate milkshake is code for "lift up your top and shake your tits around." Mortification space station nation. MY dumbfuckery aside, the food here is amazingly greasy delicious and it is cheap as hell. If you go there in the daytime, it's totally like some normal greaaaaaaasy hot dog place, and the ladies are chilled out, but at night, when all the Lincoln Park assholios start stumbling out of their surrounding watering holes(double entendre!), it can get a little fucked up. Again, if you are scared of angry drunk mobs, and forget that you live in a hyper-segregated city, go in the daytime. If you're up fo an adventure, and potentially embarassing experience, well, then, prepare yourself for a lot of yelling, shoving, a sprinkle of racism, and probably some homeless guy shuffling up beside you laughing like he was laughing at what you were just talking about, but then holding his hand out, and mumbling "abahwillbahyoubahbuybahmebahsomebahfriesbah?" Let some tricked out Stacy buy him some shit. His hands are dirty, and you are not responsible for his situation. Someone experiencing Yuppie guilt will undoubtedly come to his rescue.

Thanks again for reading ya'll! Let's eat some hot dogs this weekend UNTIL WE BARF!!!


P.S. Someone get me one of these for my birthday(March 18th)

P.P.S. Unrelated in every way! This made me laugh it up chuckles

1 comment:

  1. Man, motherfuckers were eating at the Vienna Beef plant back when Oprah was still fat and poor. Now that she's fat and rich and has eaten at The Source people think that's special; I call that a bitch and suggest that we coordinate off-days sometime and grab a lunch that you won't soon forget.